2013’s epiphanies

This year? It wasn’t the luckiest and happiest year for me but it will always be a memorable one. It was a year full of failures, pain, disappointments and of course realization. To be honest I’m a little hesitant of making this, not because it was quite a long time since I made a post but because I know I will end up talking about a specific chapter of this year, specific person rather.

How will I start this one? The thing is I don’t really have any idea how to, my fingers are just itching to make this and I hope my mind cooperates. :)  Okay I’ll start saying: This year changed me a lot, in many views of life I could tell.  I learned that sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t make you a good person, and being good doesn’t mean you’re doing it right. People will have something against you and no matter how I want things to just fall into places, maybe they just can’t be. Maybe I was forcing things so much that I end up disappointing myself for results. I tried to fix things up but they just got worse in the end. It was like trying to walk with a broken leg then realize that you have to take a pause, let it heal then stand and make your first step again. Are you getting the idea? To simplify the thought, never let yourself overdo the healing process, let time do it. It’s applicable in any kind of wound you have.

Second is, it was really true that people forgive but they will never forget what happened. This year I could say that I was freed from the guilt I have since 2012 (when I caused a break up). I was waiting for the time that I can personally apologize to the girl whom I know I had hurt so much and for all the people involved. I was just grateful that God gave me that moment this year. If you are reading this, thank you for accepting my apology, for forgiving me and for the friendship again. Well, how it feels like? It’s like letting go of something heavy you have carried on for a long period of time. You made mistake and so thus other people to you. Forgiveness, it wasn’t easy to give especially when you had been hurt so much by what they done to you but believe me, sometimes you will just find yourself forgiving them even without them asking for it. Like I said, you can forgive but you will never ever forget, and I guess that applies to me. I can’t fool myself that when I said I’m okay, that when I said I forgive you it means that I don’t remember the details of it. Forgiveness also take time sometimes, it doesn’t matter how long or short the time is, what important is how true that forgiveness is.

My third realization is that I no longer want to be the pitiful “oh-she-can’t-move-on” girl they think I am. The truth is I was full of hearing that, but when those words came from the people who caused you heartbreak, it strikes you the point of motivating yourself to show that self-conceited person that you can get over him. It was the worse feeling I ever felt ever, to be laughed on by the people who had hurt you and never took time to think of why I felt it in the first place. And the feeling when you know that they were talking about you, telling offensive words at your back, laughing at your situation, making you feel how pathetic you are for still being in pain, that all you can do is to stare blankly and think how the hell they have the guts to do that. I could tell you it could make you feel so little of yourself.

Fourth is that pain will always make you learn something about life. Sometimes you have to go through a lot of it to know who will be there during those times and how would you able to manage yourself. Pain will change you, and it’s in your hand if you want yourself better or the other way around.

Fifth and the last for now,  that I was loved by many people around me. For you who are reading this and understand everything I had written here even without specific details, I know you’ve been a part of my 2013 and for that I would like to say thousands of thank you to you all. I really appreciate all the concerns I had felt when I’m going through hard time and I won’t be able to surpass it without your supports in me. I appreciate everyone of you who had shared my every pain and tears. For my superheroes out there, you know I wasn’t that type of person who wants absurd arguments and foes, so I really appreciate all those times that you defended me when I chose not to speak, that you always spent time to listen with my unending emoments, that you all made me realize that sometimes it’s okay to stand for yourself when you think you had enough, that I have to speak up sometimes. I would never fail to recall that tough times when I felt that there are special people like you in my life, thank you.

Epiphanies, I know I have more in mind but I guess five are enough for now. Change are sometimes necessary and most of the time it happens unnoticeably. Sometimes, remembering something from the past make you realize how things have changed and how you have changed since then. The question is, how well had you survive the reality of getting hurt and learning from it?