For the sake of WHY...

Why did we broke up, that’s  simply the most heard question I had to answer when it happened.  That feeling when you have to deal with it so many times , it sucks, it’s like you’re going through it over and over again. Once and for all I have to write this,  “isang bagsak” as what I called it.

It was November 24, when he finally said it, actually sa text lang ung una. Arggh! I deleted his messages, can’t remember the exact words but it goes like “basta tinapotz parang ayoko muna ng relationship, ung walang magagalit, magtatampo,ganun. Gusto ko muna ung enjoy lang.” Imagine the scenario that I was on my work that time, ung iiyak ka na pero kelangan mo pigilan kasi muka kang tanga. Pffft! Honestly I expected it to happen, you know the intuition we have, mostly us girls. Totoo pala ung kahit gano ka kaprepared iba na pag actual. That day, after work nagpunta ako sa kanila just to make things clear, I don’t want to end up things like that.  Gusto ko lang naman ung personal break up, and knowing the fact that it came from him, masakit pala. Alam nio ung iba pag naririnig mo ng personal, ung pain di mo maexplain, ung iiyak ka nalang kasi sobra na. I cried in front of him, where’s the pride in me that time? I asked him kung ayaw nia na ba talaga, and he was so sure about it, he already made up his mind.  Actually I’m not crying, I sobbed, sobra. I guess I asked him for seven or more times, ganun ako kakulit that time kahit pare-pareho lang naman ung naririnig kong sagot. “Ayaw nia na, he want his freedom, he missed his single life, he enjoys no one to worry about, no one to think about when he’s with other girls, nahihirapan daw siya, ayaw nia daw muna ng love,  and his love lessened, ouch.”  For nine days lang narealize niya ung ganun, pede ko bang sabihin na kami pa nagpapakasingle na siya? Tss.

Why did it get there? I must say he stopped trying.  Ung feeling mo wala na siyang effort na ayusin coz he finally made his decision. Kahit sabihin niyang he tried, I know he didn’t. Its not being close-minded but I know when he is and when he’s not. Panu nga ba nagsimula un, could I say mula nung galing siya sa debut? Yes it was. Sabi nga ng mama ko, kahit di nia sabihin dun nagsimula un. November 11, he attended a debut,anong meron sa debut na un, well it’s another story.  Weekly we see each other, every Sunday then that time hindi, kasi nga nagpunta xa ng debut, at ok lang naman sa’kin un. November 09, nagpunta naman siya dito. That time,Sunday, ok naman kami, ok pa kami although nagtatampo na ako kasi di xa nagunli, kasi naman nagbigay xa ng oras tapos hindi naman pala, ayoko pa naman ng ganun parang naghihintay lang ako. I’m the type of person na pag nagbigay ka ng time, do it or go die. Haha! Hmmm.. I don’t know how to elaborate things more, basta it started there, feeling ko ha. November 12-19, a week na ramdam ko iba na, ewan ko pero nararamdaman ko talaga I have something to worry about. Accidentally I saw a picture, group picture pa nga ung una and dun palang tumaas na kilay ko, why that close to that girl? As in lahat kelangan sila magkadikit, ung temper ko nun di ba… woot!!! Then ok lang e, kaya ko ung palampasin kahit alam ko sa sarili kong big deal sa’kin un at nagseselos ako pero group picture nga naman un, consideration nalang J. But the next pictures I saw, just the two of them, ano yun pictorial, loveteam at ganun magpapicture, ampness!! If I could only post those pictures, but for their privacy nalang and my remaining respect for them wag na. As a girlfriend that time may dahilan naman siguro ako para ikaselos un, not being defensive pero alam ko normal lang ung reaction ko dun. Ano ginawa ko, I confronted him about those pictures and ano sagot niya, wala lang un.Then tinulugan nia pa ako that time with that issue unresolved at paggising niya parang walang nangyari, ok lang ganun, I don’t know kung umiiwas ba siya sa issue o  ganun nalang xa kainsensitive para di mafeel na he must do something about it to prove na wala lang un. I just need assurance and I don’t get it from him that time, what would you expect me to do hahayaan ko nalang na ganun, paranoid na siguro ako but I know may pinanggagalingan ung worries ko. Alam ko may mali, the way he reacted about it and the way he reacted with other selos thing at un ung di ko makuha that time, ung assurance na wala lang talaga yun. 19, sabi ko maguusap kami, gusto ko kasi maayos na kasi super di na kami nagkakaintindihan(sabi nia un), ung ako na ung nagpunta sa kanila para lang maayos pa. What happened? We talked about the cause of chaos(chaos talaga ang term xD!) and ano, just the same lame excuses, wala lang un, lesshe lang nakakaloko. Sila lang daw kasi magkasama that time, so asan ang tropa nia, kainesss!! ung iyak na ako sa super inis atsama ng loob, muntanga lang.Ung mejo valid reason naman ung kayang iaccept ng utak ko. And one thing he said na super di ko maaccept, sobrang higpit ko na daw kasi, oh my! Mahigpit daw ako? What part? Kung mahigpit ako  di sana di ko nalang xa hinayaan magpunta ng debut at kami nalang magkasama nun, kung alam ko lang na ganun mangyayari sana pala pinaghigpitan ko nalang siya. Wala naman ako maisip na bagay na di kita hinayaang gawin mo, kaya nga sinasabi ko sayo di ba, nde mo kailangang magpaalam sa’kin kasi di mo naman ako magulang. You still have your own life with your friends, grabe pinagdamot ba kita? SELOSA ako, yan ung alam ko and I won’t have to deny it.  At insecure ako sa lahat ng babaeng nakapaligid sayo, kasi naman andun ung fear na mangyari nga un. Sabi mo paranoid ako, e kasi I have reasons to be, ung sinabi ko sayo na what if history repeats itself pala? Bakit ko nasabi un kasi ung mga times na kahit sa text na nga lang alam kong wala ka ng time, sasabihin mo pa wala ka ng masabi kaya ganun, konting sensitivity naman sa feelings ko di ba, alam ko may ibang nakakatext ka na. Seems like ganun ung nangyari sten di ba? You left your ex for me, and is this what happened to us? Seemingly karma ko na ba ‘to? Anyway I don’t want to jump to conclusion wala pa nga naman akong napapatunayan o I have enough na?? ;) After that ok na, kahit di pa clear sakin ok nalang, matapos nalang maayos nalang, masave nalang. Sabi nga ng quote, minsan kelangan mo nalang xa paniwalaan para matapos na. Then I thought ok na, OK na hindi ayos na. I know may something pa din, ung pagkauwi ko uh-oh, parang walang nangyari..  Ganun ulit, parang hello po napagusapan na di ba, ok na nga e tapos ganun agad2? Tss… From that time, let’s just say November 20 na, I prepared myself na papunta na dun . Alam nio ung nagpray pa ako sa Baclaran and asked God for guidance na kayanin ko kasi alam ko malapit na, hinihintay ko nalang na sabihin niya. For those times, I pretended na hindi ko ramdam ung coldness niya, dedma nalang, pinigilan ko din magtumampo ever. Pero suko ako, ang hirap pag ganun so ang ending I want to make things clear, ikaw na mukang tanga na push pa ng push kong ramdam mo ng ayaw niya na. Then November 24 came and it ends there.

Why did I stop trying? Feeling ko ginawa ko na ung dapat, parang feeling ko tama na ung effort ko. Nakikita ko din na masaya na talaga siya and I don’t want to be selfish naman. Higit sa lahat siguro enough na ung pain para tigilan ko na. November 25, he went to our house at ang plano ay sabihin namin kina mama ung totoo, atleast alam nila kasi ako hindi ko kayang sabihin sa kanila un ng ako lang. Alam ko kasi maaawa sila sken, ayoko pa naman nun and I know how concern they are, ganun nila ako kamahal. Oh anlayo na ng issue, balik. xD!!! So ayon nga hindi din namin nasabi so paguwi nia nagusap pa kami sa labas, kung ano gagawin namin. Kung panu ipapaalam kina mama. So clear na di ba, wala na talaga. That time, ang ok namin, nagkukulitan pa nga kami e, ung parang wala lang, and I must admit I don’t feel the same way as what I showed him. I even asked him if hindi na ba talaga kaya, kasi may little hope pa ako na kaya pa pero wala final na talaga so aun, I can’t do something but to accept it. Naghiwalay kami ng ok, pero masakit sakin xiempre.  Then Monday, I received messages from him telling me that I don’t need to tell them na wala na kami kasi tama daw ako kaya pa daw isave yun, he even called me girlfriend again. So ako naguluhan pero siyempre natuwa din about dun, but andun ung doubt ko na teka totoo na ba ‘to . kaya nung tinanong ako nila nun kung ano dapat ung sasabihin namin di ko na sinabi kasi nga kami na daw ulit. Then around 9 nagising xa,  sabi nia kung naguguluhan na ba daw ako sabi ko oo naman, clear na ung usapan na wala na e tapos magtetext siya na kami na ulit, then I asked him what changed his mind? You know his answer? “hindi naman sa nagbago ung isip ko tinapotz, wag mo na isipin ung sinabi ko, break na talaga tayo.” Oh di ba, isn’t it that insulting on my part? Grabe, ung natitirang pagintindi ko sa part nia naubos bigla, he might don’t understand how things like that could hurt me. Wala ba siyang idea ganu kasakit sa part ko ung ganun, boys will never understand how little things they do could hurt us.  Because of that, and sa nakikita kong masaya na siya, at sa mga nalaman ko pang alam kong hindi ko na kelangan pang sabihin dito, I know I should stop. Let go of him or still hold on, both hurts but that’s the only option I have and I guess this time I should learn to give up when things aren’t meant for me. Someday, you’ll realize, ikaw ung naiwan at hindi ako.